The Nets Family


All professional sports teams spend a lot of time together during the season because this is the players’ jobs. They practice together, play games together, travel together, and more. Some would say that being on a pro sports team is like being a part of a family. So I thought, what if the Nets were a family? What would the players’ roles be in the family? I did my best to answer those questions below.

(I did a similar article to this last year where I compared Nets players to New York Mets players. See those comparisons here, here, and here.)

Deron Williams-Your mother. She runs the family and there is no arguing with her. She can go wherever she wants and do whatever she wants. 

Deron really runs the Nets and he can do whatever he wants. He has all the power, including power over Avery Johnson and Billy King, and he basically is going to decide the future of the franchise. A family will fall apart without the mother and the Nets will fall apart without Deron.

Gerald Wallace-Your father. He has a lot of power in the house too. You don’t want to mess with him because he makes the money (gets the wins) for your family. 

He has been the MVP for the Nets since they acquired him at the trade deadline and he is the reason why they are playing better now than they had been all season. He sacrifices a lot for the team, much like a father sacrifices a lot for a family. He does all the dirty work on the court much like a father has to do the dirty work around the house.

Marshon Brooks-Your little brother who you can pick on now, but in a few years, he will probably be better than you. 

The Nets have enjoyed hazing Marshon very much this season, and that is why he is a little brother. However, every Net knows that he can be very good by as soon as next season, and may be an all-star in the future. That is why they must pick on him now, before he gets better than them.

Jordan Farmar-Your cool twin brother who is very popular, but maybe undeservedly so. 

Farmar is definitely a fan favorite among Nets fans. One of the reasons for that is his game winner against the Clippers, and also because he is Jewish and played in Israel during the lockout. However, he may not deserve all this popularity because he has been injured for so much of the season, including right now. He will not return for the remainder of the season because of a groin injury.

Gerald Green-Your older brother, who, at one point was a complete failure, but is finally getting his life together. 

After being a first round pick in 2005, Gerald Green’s career really went downhill. He is finally making his comeback to the NBA in 2012, and has become a spark off the bench for the Nets. He is like a brother who is much older than you that, after going to college, was unable to find a job until he was 30. He is finally doing well for himself now.

Deshawn Stevenson-Your crazy grandma. She is very knowledgable, but you don’t always want to take advice from her. 

Deshawn Stevenson is the most veteran player on the Nets and has been in the NBA for about 10 years. He is very knowledgeable, but is not a good basketball player any more and for some reason still makes a lot of bad decisions on the court. This includes taking long 3’s that always hit the front rim and throwing terrible alley-oops from half court. I guess sometimes they work.

Johan Petro-Your crazy grandpa. He always tries giving you advice, but you should never listen to any of it because he is completely insane. 

I really think Petro is completely insane. In warm-ups, he always takes half-court shots and 3’s, while not working on his inside game, which is what a 7-footer should be doing. In games, he takes way too many outside shots and they usually miss. He also gives the impression of being a very weird grandpa someday. I’m not quite sure why.

Shelden Williams-Your normal grandpa. He actually gives pretty good advice and he has worked hard his whole life to get your family to the point that it’s at. 

Shelden is such a grandpa. On the court, he is slow, but he always gives a full effort. He usually makes smart decisions on the court even though he is kind of uncoordinated. He sets the tone for many Nets games, much like a grandpa sets the tone for the family.

Kris Humphries-Your older cousin, who like Gerald Green, was at one point a failure, but has risen in recent years. Now that he is more successful, he loves the limelight. 

Kris Humphries was drafted in 2004, but really didn’t begin his career until he joined the Nets in 2010. The Nets gave him his second shot, like Gerald Green. You can tell he loves the limelight because of the Kardashian stuff.

Anthony Morrow-Your younger cousin who has some very impressive talents, but there is probably a limit to what he will accomplish in his life. 

Morrow’s very impressive talent is his shooting, but that can only take you so far in the NBA. A younger cousin could have the talent of let’s say playing piano, but that really is not going to take him very far in life.

Brook Lopez-Your uncle who you never see. Everybody has that one uncle who never shows up to family reunions, but all the relatives always talk about him. 

This was an obvious choice. Brook Lopez has only played in 5 games this season, and this is why we have never seen him. However, he has been talked about all season because of 1. Dwight Howard trade rumors and 2. What could have been if he actually played a full season with Deron Williams this year.

Jordan Williams-Your young uncle. He has always been talented, but has never really lived up to his talent and he may lose his job. 

J-Will definitely has some talent. We have seen this from some of his moves on offense and he seems like a capable rebounder. But I sometimes question his will to win and his ability to stay in shape, and he has not been very consistent this year.

Sundiata Gaines-Your weird female cousin that your aunt and uncle force to live in a closet under the staircase away from the rest of the family because she just doesn’t fit in. 

I never read the Harry Potter books, but I saw most of the movies. In one of the early movies (I have no idea which one), Harry Potter’s foster parents have him live under a staircase I think. I hope I’m not confusing this with another movie, which is very possible. That is Sundiata Gaines. I don’t think that needs any more explanation.

Keith Bogans, Damion James, Mehmet Okur, Shawne Williams-Your 2nd or 3rd cousins who recently passed away. You never really got to know them too well, so in all honesty, you don’t care. 

RIP. All these guys are out for the year with season ending injuries. In fact, all of them are foot injuries except for Okur. It seems like a plague has hit the Nets this year, and these guys were the victims of the plague.

Andre Emmett, Dennis Horner, Larry Owens, Jerry Smith, Armon Johnson-Your parents often have foster children around the house. All of these guys have been foster children at some point, but they have now returned to the orphanage. 

All these guys are D-League call-ups that were given 10-day contracts. They have all been sent back down to the D-League, with the exception of Armon Johnson who is currently on a 10-day contract and will probably return to the Idaho Stampede when the contract expires.

Do you disagree with any of my family role assignments? Post your opinions and corrections in the comments section below.